Am I Boring My Dog Read online

  4. WHAT’S THE BEST AGE AT WHICH TO GET A DOG?

  When you’re older than 45 and have given up on meaningful relationships with other humans.

  Oh, you mean the dog.

  It depends on your circumstances and temperament. Not everyone wants the hassle of housebreaking a puppy, or dealing with her irrational exuberance. Rescuing an older, mellower dog has its rewards, not the least of them knowing that you’ve saved an innocent from spending her golden years in the hound hoosegaw, perhaps on death row. Contrary to the tired maxim, you can teach old dogs new tricks. And there are no size surprises with a grownup.

  In theory, raising a puppy will allow you to control the circumstances of his upbringing. But that’s only true if you go to a reputable breeder who hasn’t separated mother from offspring and sibling from sibling too early—just one of the innumerable bad practices of the mass breeding operations known as puppy mills that can lead to behavior problems later on. (See question 10 for more details.) And even the best attempts at socialization at the correct age and the most assiduous training can’t guarantee you haven’t brought home a bad seed (perhaps an overly inbred one) who will eventually manifest Cujo tendencies. Nor can you watch your pup 24/7. Control, as any shrink or Zen master will tell you, is impossible to achieve or merely an illusion.

  So if I had to choose an ideal age at which to get a dog—who, in my ideal universe, would be housebroken and have no history of being mistreated—it would be about a year and a half for a small dog, two to two-and-a-half years for a larger one.4 The pup has calmed down a bit but still has plenty of pizzazz—and, in most cases, plenty of years ahead to spend with you.

  5. HOW DO I KNOW IF MY CHILD IS READY FOR A DOG?

  If he or she is old enough to ask, that’s a start—“ask” being the operative word. Never get a dog for a child who hasn’t requested one just because you think he is lonely or needs to learn responsibility. That would be the equivalent of using real babies rather than dolls or eggs in one of those teen anti-pregnancy programs that involves taking care of an infant for a week. Robotic dogs are now widely available, should such a lesson be your goal.

  Then, take into account the circumstances that sparked the request. Wait at least three months after your child viewed the last dog movie, including animated ones (101 Dalmatians in any version is particularly dangerous). After that, you can consider it.

  In the meantime, try not to be swayed by the intense desire to stop the cajoling and whining that tend to accompany all pet requests.5 Inform your offspring that dogs are very sensitive to high-pitched sounds like whining, and that you couldn’t possibly bring one into such an inhospitable environment.

  Finally, ask yourself: Are you or anyone else in the family willing to take primary responsibility for the dog if your kid loses interest? If the answer is no, don’t get a dog. It would not only be horribly unfair to the neglected pup, but also to the child, who’ll come to associate dogs with nagging and yelling and, as a result, never want to have anything to do with the species later in life.

  If you decide your household is truly dog-ready, involve your child in the adoption process, thereby ensuring a match of temperaments and creating an emotional bond. But avoid bringing a dog home during the holidays, a sure recipe for disaster. The excitement of the season leads to overstimulation and bad behavior. The dog often gets really wound up, too.

  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let your child associate getting a dog with the holidays, which is one way to ensure better memories of the season than most of us have. Either go together to get the dog in advance, stressing that this is a holiday gift, or give the child an IOU—perhaps tied to a stuffed animal—promising an excursion to get a pup in the new year. If your kid can’t deal with the concept of advance or deferred gratification—or does really creepy things to the stuffed animal—then she isn’t ready for a dog.

  Whatever you do, avoid family trips to stores that sell puppies. 6 It’s tough enough for a grownup to remember the greater good of shutting down puppy mills (see question 10) when faced with the pathos of a small, squirmy cutie in a cage. Don’t expect your child to be able to grasp this difficult concept—or forgive you for dragging him away from that wagging tail.

  6. SHOULD I GET A MIXED BREED OR A PUREBRED?

  In the past, status in canine circles derived primarily from having a dog that conformed to the standards of a particular breed as defined by the American Kennel Club or United Kennel Club. Pejoratives like “mongrel” or “cur,” which suggest a link between character and blood purity, were applied to dogs of unknown or mixed origin.

  These days, because mixed breeds tend to be rescues more often than not, owning a mutt—even the term has acquired shabby chic cachet—confers a different type of status, that of moral superiority. So if you’re disposed toward oneupmanship, you’re no longer restricted to the breed-related variety—which clears the slate for criteria other than snobbery to be factored into your decision.

  PUREBRED PROS

  Predictability. If you’re familiar with the dog’s lineage, you have a pretty good idea what to expect with regard to size, temperament, and so on.

  You can aspire to appear on national TV in the Westminster Dog Show.

  You have a ready answer to the oft-posed question, “What kind of dog is that?”

  PUREBRED CONS

  There’s a reason that many states have laws against marriage between first cousins. Unfortunately, no similar statutes exist to muzzle doggie inbreeding. In particular, breeding for looks rather than temperament or athletic prowess has resulted in dogs that are predisposed to a variety of illnesses and afflictions, including, as a friend said about a breed that shall remain nameless, “heads so narrow that they have no room for brains.”

  You might be mocked in a film such as Best in Show.

  MIXED-BREED PROS

  When people ask you what type of dog you have, you get to say stuff like “Heinz 57,” “Pure speculation,” or “Canardly.” This last one is particularly entertaining if the questioner nods sagely and claims to have heard of a canardly instead of looking puzzled and waiting for the punch line, “I can hardly tell.”

  Fewer breed-related health problems.

  The fun of blaming any undesirable traits on breeds you don’t like, and claiming a lineage from breeds that you do. Caveat: To avoid seeming arbitrary or vindictive, you have to be reasonable about said blame and claim, staying within the realm of possibility as regards to size, color, and other physical attributes.

  MIXED-BREED CONS

  Unpredictable health problems.

  Unpredictable size if you get the dog as a puppy. That adorable little Yorkie mix might turn out to have some German Shepherd in him. (And no, it’s not impossible for two very divergent-size dogs to hook up. You’d be amazed what bitches in heat and the males who love them can do.)

  7. GIVEN THE MORAL SUPERIORITY THAT RESCUING A DOG CONFERS, AM I A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING A PUREBRED?

  No. Wanting a particular breed and wanting to rescue a dog are by no means mutually exclusive. According to the Humane Society of the United States, one of every four dogs in shelters is purebred. And the fact that they’ve been given up doesn’t mean these pups are losers. Most dogs end up homeless because of circumstances that have little to do with them—including the sudden homelessness of their owners.

  The website of the American Kennel Club lists rescue organizations for more than 150 breeds, some that you might never have heard of, like the Spinone Italiano (perhaps a cousin of the Gelato Hound); see www.akc.org/breeds/rescue.cfm. There are even rescue groups devoted to designer hybrids such as Puggles and Labradoodles. Ask your local shelter if they know of rescuers in your area that specialize in the breed you’re seeking, and also check sites such as www.Pets911. com, www.Petfinder.org, 1-800-Save-A-Pet.com, and craigslist.com.

  You’re not a bad person either if you get a purebred from a breeder, as long as the breeder is reputable (see question 10).
/>   If, however, you want a breed that matches your sofa and are likely to give the dog away after you redecorate your living room, then you are a bad person.

  8. HOW MUCH CAN I EXPECT A PUREBRED TO COST?

  Whatever the market will bear. You’ll pay the most for dogs at the opposite ends of the popularity spectrum: the most sought-after and the rarest.

  At a minimum, a “pet-quality” purebred—one that deviates from breed standards to the degree that it isn’t considered dog show material—will run you $800, while “show-quality” pups start at about $1,500.

  But that’s the bottom line, and when dogs become trendy, expect to pay double the aforementioned prices—or more. Unscrupulous breeders bank on that, literally, rushing to supply dogs whenever the demand for them grows.

  Of course, if you rescue a dog in the first place, you’ll never pay more than the spay/neuter and veterinarian fees (see question 13).

  9. HOW DO I FIND THE RIGHT BREED FOR ME/MY FAMILY?

  Even if you’re not the type to be swayed into getting a diminutive Mexican dog because you saw Beverly Hills Chihuahua, or a Bull Terrier because Budweiser’s Spuds Mackenzie reminds you of your favorite uncle, emotion is bound to play a role in your breed choice nevertheless.

  So step away from the computer, stop ogling pictures on Petfinder.com, and quit reading surveys on the best dog to get to attract members of the opposite sex or to promote a desired self-image. Instead, do some research into what your day-to-day life with an actual dog is likely to involve. The American Kennel Club’s Complete Dog Book is a good place to start, but it doesn’t cover all the negatives of health and temperament. Other books, including The Perfect Match by Chris Walcowicz and Paws to Consider by Brian Kilcommons and Sarah Wilson, are more honest about the downsides of various breeds.

  As soon as you come up with some possibilities, look into whether there’s a reputable breeder or breed rescue group near you. You might not get pedigreed puppies through a rescue group, but the advantage of going through one, even aside from the good karma, is that such groups are deeply invested in wanting to minimize returns and euthanizations. As a result, they’ll evaluate you and your family situation carefully to determine whether a particular dog would be a good fit.

  And always remember: dogs within any breed are individuals, even if they have the same parents. Think about it; are you and your siblings precisely alike? Are your offspring—other than identical twins—clones of each other?

  With that caveat, here’s a quick sketch of some breed groups you’re likely to encounter in your research. They’re based roughly on the categories established by the United Kennel Club (www.ukcdogs.com), which emphasize historic working roles more than the categories used by the American Kennel Club, which focus on appearance.

  SPORTING DOGS: THE FIELD-AND-STREAM SET

  Pointers, retrievers, setters, and spaniels—these are the sleek hunting dogs likely to turn up in an episode of Masterpiece Theatre. They generally require lots of exercise, and are especially fond of roaming off-leash, so if you want them to come back to you, you’ll need to train them well. The retrievers, in particular, like to swim, so don’t take them to the beach unless you’re sure they won’t keep going down the coast.

  Note: The spaniels in this group are sometimes called Flushing Spaniels. This alludes to their ability to flush birds from their hiding places, not the ability to ensure themselves a fresh supply of water when they drink out of the toilet bowl.

  HERDING DOGS: GET THEM DOGGIES ROLLIN’

  We’re talking Collies, Cattle Dogs, Sheepdogs, German Shepherds … generally, anything with “sheep,” “shepherd,” or other types of livestock in their names (the Welsh Corgi is among the exceptions, both in its name and the length, or lack thereof, of its legs). No surprise: these pups like to round up and protect—and that means you, your kids, your other dogs, your cats … If they can’t get a herding gig, they’ll settle for retrieving, so be prepared to do a lot of Frisbee throwing.

  GUARD/PROTECTION DOGS: DON’T MESS WITH ME

  Every flock requires not only a herder but also a guard to ensure that there’ll be livestock to herd, thus the ascent of such large, tough breeds as the Rottweiler, Doberman Pinscher, Great Dane, Boxer, and Saint Bernard. The biggest of the big, used as personal muscle for ancient warlords, often have “mastiff” in their names. This group tends to be smart and devoted, and members can be major sweetie pies, but they need to be shown who’s paying their wages early on if you don’t want them to lean on you.

  THE NORTHERNERS: HAIRY AND HELPFUL

  These big furballs, which include Akitas, Chow Chows, Malamutes, Huskies, and anything with “spitz” in their name, were assigned the same herding, hunting, and guarding tasks as the breeds already mentioned, only they performed them in the cold. No surprise, then, that they don’t like vacationing in Florida or Arizona. They take their jobs seriously, and can be hard to handle without clear direction.

  TERRIERS: NEVER SURRENDER

  Airedale, Jack Russell, Scottish, Soft-Coated Wheaten … having a dog with “terrier” as a surname is a dead giveaway that you’re dealing with a feisty, high-energy pup. (Undercover terriers include the Miniature Schnauzer and German Pinscher.) The smaller terriers were bred to get rid of rodents and vermin, which means they love to tunnel and dig. Members of this group tend to be endlessly amusing but very strong-willed. If you don’t watch it, they’ll have you trained to do their bidding in no time.

  SIGHT HOUNDS: THE ARISTO-DOGS

  Thin, elegant, graceful, and fast, this group includes Afghans, Greyhounds, Borzois, and Whippets. Although they’re excellent hunters, they also tend to be gentle and sensitive; don’t insult them or they’ll take off in a flash. But these guys know how to relax when they’re not on the clock; around the house, they’re quintessential couch potatoes.

  SCENT HOUNDS: AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A …

  In contrast to the upscale sporting dogs, these hunters—they include the Bloodhound, Beagle, and Coonhound—often get roles in films like Deliverance. Because they keep their noses close to the ground to track their quarry, many of them have short legs (badgers were once the Dachshund’s specialty). They’re used to running in packs, and are happy to have your family serve that role, but have a tendency to bark and howl, the better to let you know they’ve treed some creature—or would like to. Initial training should take place inside the house; when outside, these dogs are easily distracted by all those exciting scents.

  COMPANIONS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE DOG

  Of course, it’s not only small pups that make good pals; indeed, most of the toys—among them the Chihuahua, Maltese, Pekingese, Papillon, Pug, Miniature Poodle, and Yorkshire Terrier—originated in one of the other breed groups. It’s just that these portable pets never really had another job description besides “go forth and be adorable,” so nap snuggling is a task at which they excel. Don’t let their cuteness deter you from serious training, however; small dogs that follow their own inclinations can be just as annoying as their larger counterparts, if somewhat less capable of doing major damage.

  A few other variables that transcend breed include the following.

  LONG-TERM COST

  A large dog doesn’t necessarily have more energy or need more exercise than a small one. There’s no question, however, that the size of your grocery bill will be directly proportional to the size of your dog. In addition, some dogs are more likely than others to incur high vet costs. Boxers, for example, are prone to heart disease and gastrointestinal ailments, while German Shepherds are subject to hip dysplasia.

  Sometimes these two cost categories overlap—many large dogs have a tendency to ingest undigestible items that require surgical removal. For example, Schatzi, a sweet Bernese Mountain dog I know, likes to eat tennis balls, pantyhose, and beach towels, among other items. These omnivore tendencies—which her owners have tried to anticipate and head off, to no avail (see “Intelligence,” in the later section)—have already l
anded Schatzi in the doggie ER twice.

  COAT

  There are two types of allergies to consider when it comes to a dog’s coat: an allergy to fur and an allergy to vacuuming. Double-coated dogs such as those in the Northern group sometimes shed the equivalent of another dog. In contrast, Poodles, Cairn Terriers, and the hairless Chinese Crested are among the dogs that are unlikely to make you sneeze—or clean.

  INTELLIGENCE

  Naturally, you want a really smart pup, right? Maybe—and maybe not. Intelligence is not necessarily the most desirable trait to seek in a dog. As with really smart people, high IQ pups can be high maintenance; not only will they figure out how to open your refrigerator and eat last night’s pot roast, but after they do so they’ll want to know what’s next on the agenda. They often get bored easily. In contrast, some canines that never make the dean’s list may be appealingly mellow. And after you get them to catch on to the connection between the peculiar vocalizations you’re making and the behavior you expect from them, they’re happy to go along with your program. According to Stanley Coren in the Intelligence of Dogs, out of 79 evaluated, the breeds that rank highest in the “working intelligence” category are the Border Collie, Poodle, German Shepherd, Golden Retriever, and Doberman Pinscher. The Borzoi, Chow Chow, Bulldog, Basenji, and Afghan have been relegated to the brains basement.